An admission of Guilt
by MYBIGBLUEBOX
Summary: One shot, set before, during and after Harry tells Lupin he should go back to Tonks and his unborn child. "‘I forgive you Remus.’ She whispered. She heard his sigh of relief before she felt his arms tighten around her."


Title: An admission of Guilt

Author: MYBIGBLUEBOX

Series: Harry Potter

Rating: K+

Genre: Romance/ General

Spoilers: SOME MAJOR SPOILERS FOR DEATHLY HALLOWS. Don't want to know what happens don't read it.

Characters: Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks

Disclaimer: God knows how many times you've all read these disclaimers but I'm going to say it all again just coz. I don't own these characters or the story line this fanfic is based on. They belong to J K Rowling.

Summary: One shot, set before, during and after Harry tells Lupin he should go back to Tonks and his unborn child. All the Tonks and Lupin moments I thought were missing from the book.

Dedications: To Bexc darling we all love you. This one's for you.

Warnings: none really

A.N: **I AM NOT ENDING MY SAVING GRACE BECAUSE I HAVE POSTED THIS, I'M STILL WORKING ON IT PEOPLE! I WILL UPDATE ASAP. THIS WAS WRITTEN AGES AGO, A FRIEND TOLD ME I SHOULD POST SO HERE IT IS. DR WHO PEOPLE NEVER FEAR MY SAVING GRACE WILL BE UPDATED. **

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Lupin sat in the arm chair closest to the fire, the light dappling across his pale skin, giving it a darker hue that was not his own. The afternoon's paper was open in his hands, scanning the pages his eyes came to rest on one particularly alarming article.

**DOWN WITH THE WEREWOLVES! **

The anger and fear of the wizarding world leapt off the page. Society had never had much tolerance for people like him, but now that darkness had fallen over them fear was more rife than ever. A danger to society, to themselves, their loved ones werewolves had become objects of intense hate. Lupin's mind wandered into thoughts of his wife, Dora's face swarm in his mind's eye. He sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead, God knows why she put up with him, with his 'condition'. He thanked Merlin daily for her patients and prayed that she would not come to her senses.

The door opened quietly behind him and the object of his thoughts stepped into the room. His eyes travelled over her tired and tiny form, the daily grind was beginning to take its toll on her. Flinging her travelling cloak over the back of the chair next to Lupin she sat down heavily in it. He watched her as she closed her eyes and furrowed her brow.

'How's Molly?' Lupin asked his concern for Tonks lacing his voice.

'Coping, just. Everything's starting to take its toll on her. With Ron, Hermione and Harry in hiding and Arthur being pulled up at the ministry she obviously a bit down.' Lupin nodded, his gaze reverting back to the fire. Since Bill and Fleur's wedding tensions had risen and misery played a larger part in everyone's lives than ever before. The anxiety, fear and pain was getting to everyone, Lupin feared that it wouldn't be long before someone he cared about succumbed to the darkness of this new world.

Lupin looked up as he heard Tonks move in the chair next to him. In the two seconds it took for him to fold up the paper and turn to look at her she was already facing him. Her eyes, deep pools of 'blue' connected with his 'brown' ones. The light of the fire played over their features, casting a dark glow over their skin.

'I've got something to tell you.' Tonks said in a voice that was almost a whisper. The wolf in Lupin could smell her fear. He reached out and took her hand in his. She looked down at their joined hands and squeezed his, sighing heavily.

'Remus, I'm pregnant.' He took in a breath, a gasp. Tonks held his gaze unwilling to show her anxiousness. In his eyes she could see the inner turmoil; she prayed that he did not succumb to the thoughts in his mind.

How could he? What had he done? He was supposed to be her protector, keep her safe from the horrors of the world. He had set upon her the worst beast that walked this earth, himself. He stood, the rage burning within him, turning his back on her he ran a hand over his face.

'How far along are you?' he asked in a small voice.

'Not far, three weeks.' She stood, her back to the fire, framed in the orange glow. Her hands resting on her stomach, already maternal. Remus paced in front of her, raking his hands through his hair. Tonks' heart sank, she knew him too well not be worried.

'Remus... say something.' He turned to face her, anguish written across his face.

'I...I can't...' Turning away from her again he moved into the hallway of their London home. Grabbing his weather-beaten cloak from it's hook, he flung it around his shoulders. As he fixed the clasp around his throat, hands touched his shoulders.

'Where are you going? It's past eleven.' Shrugging her hands off Lupin reached for the door handle. Placing herself in front of him Tonks blocked the doorway with her body, praying he didn't apparate.

'We need to talk about this. You can't run from it and expect our child to disappear!' The anger rose in her voice as the realisation that she might loose her lover came over her.

'I need to get away Tonks. I...' He never called her Tonks, not since he proposed to her.

'What? What where you going to say?' Lupin looked into her eyes and saw her anguish. He had caused that pain, he would not be the cause of her sorrow.

'I need to leave Tonks. I have to.' His voice had shrunk to a whisper, hardly daring to believe he was speaking the words aloud.

'No, no you don't. You don't have to go anywhere. We can be safe here, the three of us. We can make it work.' Reaching up she placed her hands on either side of his face, begging with her eyes.

'I know that You-Know-Who has put darkness into the world. I know that you feel outcast, but we can ride this out. Trust in Harry, trust in our friends... trust in us. Please, Remus.' For a moment Tonks thought that she saw reason connect in his eyes. She barely had time to recognise it before it had gone and he was reaching up to remove her hands.

He knew what he had to do. Lupin could feel a lump as hard and large as a rock force it's way up his throat. Choking on it and his words he ripped Tonks' heart apart.

'There is no us, Tonks. Not anymore. I'm sorry, I won't be coming back.' Lupins reached around his love to open the door. She no longer had the will to move, to stop him. As the words entered her mind, a deep feeling of numbness and pain swept over her. She suddenly realised that Lupin was no longer standing in front of her. She whipped around just as he reached the bottom of the steps leading to their home.

'Remus, you can't leave. You can't leave your child!' She called into the night. Her words fell into nothingness, he'd already apparated. Closing the door heavily behind her, Tonks leaned back against it. He'd really gone. He'd gone and left her, pregnant and alone. Covering her face with her hands she began to sob bitterly as she slid down to connect with the cold floor.

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It had been a little over a month since Lupin had seen Tonks. He'd been living rough half the time. His position within the Werewolf community didn't do him any favours. They where getting more and more reckless, unafraid to be out on the streets at night. He kept to himself and steered clear of any of the public areas of werewolf haunts. An outcast in both societies.

Now he stood outside of number 12 Grimmauld Place, London trying desperately to find the courage to go inside. He shouldn't be standing where everyone could see him, at least he should go to the door where he'd be covered by the concealment charm, but for some reason he couldn't seem to get his legs to move.

The sound of approaching footsteps hit his ears. He estimated the approaching wizard or witch... or death-eater. Hurriedly he climbed the steps, and wrenched open the door. He barely had time to get his cloak off before the words '_Severus Snape?' _were growled at him. Lupin gazed sadly at the corpse of his old friend as he floated menacingly towards him, arm outstretched.

'It was not I who killed you Albus.' He spoke quietly, the total misery of what had happened to their once happy circle of friends filled him. As he expected Harry, Ron and Hermione all came pelting down the stairs at the sound of their defences being activated. Lupin announced himself and proved that he was no death-eater, as he gazed up into Harry's apprehensive eyes he felt a sense of pride fill him. After his year of rigorous training Harry had listened to what he was being taught, ultimately keeping him alive.

After Lupin's true identity had been establish, the group of people moved off into the kitchen to discuss the state of affairs in the wizarding community. Lupin presented the trio with the papers he had managed to scavenge from the many bins littering the wizarding community.

They sat discussing the latest uprising of You-Know-Who and the new perils that had entered the world since the three of them had gone into hiding. The task that Dumbledore had entrusted to his former students burned in everyone's mind. Lupin's heart felt weak when they denied him knowledge of their task. The feeling soon left as he saw the regret in everyone's eyes, he knew they wanted to share but where bound to Dumbledore's ever lasting will. Lupin looked around the table at his young companions. In a sudden surge of feeling he felt the desire to leave all this behind. Before he'd even thought the words they were out of his mouth.

'But I still might be of some use to you. You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to.' He knew this was right, if he could just keep his mind off Tonks until this meeting was over.

He had been naive to think that the others wouldn't think of Tonks, of course they would, she was their friend too. Suddenly he was overcome with feeling, guilt, pain and something unexplainable settled in the out of his stomach.

'Everything is fine thank you.'

His voice sounded alien to him, hoarse and cold, he inwardly winced at the sound. He needed to convince them that everything was fine, if he didn't they'd never take him along; he'd have to find somewhere else to go. More than anything he needed convincing that he'd done the right thing by leaving his wife. He watched as Hermione blushed, an embarrassing silence filled the air. Before any of his three companions could fill the silence Lupin blurted out what had been the foremost fixation of his thoughts for the past month.

'Tonks is going to have a baby.' Forcing the words past his mouth Lupin once again noticed the strange tone he used to share the news. His guilt at getting her pregnant showed through his icy tone. He gazed around the table as the words of congratulations reached his ears. A strange warm feeling swept through him, they were congratulating him, on HIS baby. He glanced down and caught sight of the newspapers lying on the table, the warm sensation faded and he was left once again with a new feeling. Fear for his wife and child, he had to go, if anyone found out where he was living they could... they could murder his family. He pictured his wife screaming, clutching their baby as a wand was raised, and an unforgivable curse was uttered. Lupin winced mentally at the image, fear and rage coursing through him, trying desperately to tear his mind away from such thoughts he asked his question again.

'So... do you accept my offer? Will three become four? I cannot believe that Dumbledore would have disapproved, he appointed me your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, after all. And I must tell you that we are facing magic many of us have never encountered or imagined.' It sounded desperate even to his own ears. Glancing around the table with anxious eyes his gaze came to rest upon Harry. Lupin didn't know why he mentioned James, maybe it was because Harry looked so much like him, but looking back he wished he never had.

'I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually.' Lupin felt the plug being pulled out from under him as he looked into Harry's eyes and saw the anger that they held. Lupin couldn't bare the thought that James and his son would be disappointed in him, ashamed of him. He didn't want them to be added to the long list of the people who where ashamed to be acquainted with him. How could he know? How could he judge him? Harry didn't know what was going on, it wasn't his place to pass judgement, and yet Lupin wanted his approval, wanted James' approval. Something that was not rational inside Lupin saw the connections between Harry and his father and for a moment believed that James was sitting in front of him once again.

'You don't understand.' His voice was quiet, balanced in a way that signals the calm before the storm. The unbearable gaze of Harry Potter the boy who lived was burning his eyes.

'Explain then.' Was Harry challenging him? Was it a chance for redemption? Lupin swallowed anger and guilt and shame swam through his mind. He thought of what he'd told her, those last words he'd spoke to her all those weeks ago. _There is no us... not anymore. _

'I- I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgement and I have regretted it very much ever since.' He hoped, he prayed that they would buy the same line his wife had. If he could only, if only it where that simple.

He could see Harry's anger and disappointment. Lupin no longer felt like the adult in the room, he had been reduced to a child by an eighteen year old. An eighteen year old he held in very high regard.

'I see, so you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us.' The anger he felt almost physically knocked him over. The chair he'd been sitting in was knocked flying. Lupin raged at his three companions, the fowl words of self hate tumbling form his mouth. He barely knew what he was saying anymore, he released the hurt and guilt he'd carried for too long.

'And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, than it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!' To speak the words he had thought to himself in the long dark of night, hidden in alleyways and sewers, brought home just how real this was. He had practically signed his child's death warrant, an innocent child sentenced to a life of misery, of loneliness and prejudice. Unable to bear his own flesh, his own words anymore Lupin fell silent. Hermione offered her words of comfort but for all his appreciation of her kindness the only opinion he wanted, the only blessing he wanted was Harry's.

'Oh, I don't know Hermione. I'd be pretty ashamed of him.' Lupin felt his words like a physically blow to his heart. The harsh ice that laced them was nothing compared to the fire in Harry's eyes. Lupin knew in that moment that what he had done was wrong. The guilt flooded in ten fold, now not for creating his child, but for abandoning it and his wife. She had ever been his constant and he; the ever selfish had stolen his love for her back and taken her heart with it.

As Harry continued his tirade of rage Lupin could feel the guilt and self loathing rise in him. Stumbling over angry words Lupin took out his grief on the only person close enough to receive. For the last time for months Lupin looked into Harry's face and saw his feelings mirrored there. He spoke, spitting angry words like venom at his former teacher. One word registered in the fury. _Coward._

Without thinking Lupin drew his wand and caught Harry off guard as he flung a powerful spell at his former prodigy. Unable to contain himself any longer Lupin swept from the room in a rage, catching a glimpse of Harry sliding down the kitchen wall to meet the floor. Thundering into the corridor Lupin wretched open the front door, ignoring Hermione's pleas for his return. Without stopping to even take a breath Lupin apparated off the top step and into the night.

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Appearing in his muggle hotel, Lupin felt the last remnants of anger ebb away. Only guilt and disbelief filled is tired body. Hitting the wall next to him hard with his right hand Lupin leaned forward to rest his face upon the window pane. It had started to rain heavily outside. The downpour creating black, shadows of track marks on Lupin's skin, like black tears falling down his face.

He had cursed Harry, the only son of his best friend, his former pupil and former friend. Closing his eyes he let the cold glass numb his forehead as he thought over the past few weeks.

His child, if it was born a werewolf he'd never be able to forgive himself. He would have to live with the guilt day by day. He... he was a father now. Bonded forever to a child, a life, there was no HE anymore.

Sighing Lupin leaned his head back, he had tried to take the easy way out. He had responsibilities, a role to play in a child's life. Isn't that what he'd always desired? To be a father, a husband, to lead a normal life? He did want it, he wanted it more than anything, so why was he still here? His guilt? Or his own selfish cowardice?

Raising his whole body from its slumping position to a tall, erect, strong form, Lupin prepared to apparate again, he was going home. After all one cursed father was better than none, wasn't it?

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Tonks watched the rain fall from her bedroom window, her hands resting on her slightly swollen stomach. Leaning back on her hands, she stretched out along her bed. It had been so cold at night, now that Remus had gone. A sad smile played across her lips as she thought of her baby and the family life they could have had together.

'We'll be alright. You'll see, I'm never going to let anything happen to you.' She fell silent, reflecting on their current state of affairs and in a small voice whispered.

'Who knows we may even get your daddy back someday.' Sighing Tonks let her hands wander over her slight bump. Leaning back into the pillows Tonks closed her eyes and listened to the rain slap against her bedroom window. She didn't hear the crack of someone apparating into the house. She didn't hear the footsteps coming up the stairs. She heard the bedroom door open and sprang as fast as she could to her feet, grabbing her wand.

Pointing it at the silhouette of the intruder, she saw him raise his hands in surrender.

'What are you doing in my house?' She hissed

'Dora... Dora it's me.' Lowering her wand slightly at the sound of Remus' voice Tonks revelled in the sound. The headlines of the recent papers filled her mind, how did she know this wasn't a death- eater or a werewolf hater? Raising her wand again and tightening her grip on it she spoke in what she hoped was a strong voice.

'Prove it.'

'I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf and your husband. You are approximately seven weeks pregnant with my child.' Tonks lowered her wand, no one else could know she was pregnant, it was defiantly him. The fear had taken it out of her, lowering herself back onto her bed she rubbed a hand over her forehead. Remus approached her bed, she could almost sense his fear in his hesitation.

'Why have you come back?' Lupin stopped next to the bed, standing over his wife.

'Didn't you want me to?' Tonks didn't move but he heard her sigh quietly.

'That wasn't my question.'

'I realised that being a dad was something that I wanted to experience. I didn't think that I... we could make it work. I was supposed to protect you and I let you marry me and carry the child of a werewolf.' Tonks sat up, cross legged on the bed staring at he husband.

'You sound like James after her found out Lilly was expecting Harry.' Lupin remembered how nervous James had been when he had discovered that Lilly was pregnant. After all the things he had done that Lupin would never dare to do, he was terrified of being a dad.

Lupin took his wife's hand and sat on the bed next to her.

'Dora, although this would be the best thing that could have happen to me in my lifetime but I'm scared shitless. You know I am. What if it's like me Dora? When I remember the childhood I had... I couldn't give that to a child, our child. I always lived in hope that one day a cure would be found, and I could start a family of my own. Still no cure has been found, a probably never will be now, so I decided to never help conceive a child out of fear of what I might pass on. Dora, I love you, I know I don't say it very often but... what I'm trying to say is... I want this baby. I... I want you, us to be together, a family. Can... can you ever forgive me?' Tonks stared at him dumbfounded. He'd never really confided in her, she had a feeling he'd never really confided in anyone. She could feel his desperation, his face was calm and passive but his eyes gave away the anxiety he held inside.

Leaning forwards Tonks took his face in her hands and kissed him slowly and gently. Allowing her kiss to speak for her, pulling apart Tonks rested her forehead on his.

'I forgive you Remus.' She whispered. She heard his sigh of relief before she felt his arms tighten around her. They sat for a long while, making up for the lost moments that they could have spent in each others arms.

As the sun began to rise on a new day, Tonks yawned and drew back from the circle of her husbands arms, lying herself down on her side, she patted the bed next to her, inviting her husband back into her bed, and her life. Spooning up next to Tonks, Remus placed his face in the crook of her neck, taking in her scent.

The rain pattered on outside their window. The new day refreshed by the downpour. A new day, a new start, a new life all in the making. Lupin and Tonks slept on, for a fleeting moment everything was right in the world and evil stopped at their doorstep. Now wrapped in each others arms there could be nothing in the world that would bring the darkness in, now they shone in the gloom. The little family together till the end of all things.

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Thanks for taking the time to read. Please remember to review.


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